sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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