I can text with my tongue
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
