Moan for me like Helen Keller
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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