She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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