Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
