yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
