There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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