i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
