dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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