fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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