capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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