Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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