I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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