u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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