bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
