We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
