This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
