How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize