I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
