I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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