My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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