I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
