I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
