I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
