So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
