He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
