so let's talk penis.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize