Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
