i would punch a child for taco bell
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He passed out mid-signature
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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