jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
