there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
