i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
