the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
