Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
