3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
