I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
