I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
