Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
