Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
