I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
