I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
