You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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