Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
