god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The adults are the big ones right?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
