No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
