Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
