If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
