She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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