I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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