soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
