i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
