I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
