girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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