You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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