just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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