I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
