Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
