i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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