the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
