mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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