so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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